The usual process is to sit on the floor and hide my face, a bit like a young child playing hide and seek for the first time, waiting for the grown up to come and find them; but I didn’t want to do that this time. So, I tried to become that child who is getting the hang of hide and seek; you know the one who has mastered the art of hiding behind the curtains and staying quiet, but still exposes their feet the entire time. I reasoned that exposing my feet was better than exposing my nerves more. There was no one except me and my reflection, but I knew I would have to go back down stairs soon to people looking at me and telling me everything was going to be OK; I knew it wasn’t. No one else will ever cry my tears or feel how painful my skin is to touch. A Lot of people won’t even know that I am squinting so much because my eyes are stinging from the hours of crying and from covering my eyes whilst hiding.
My hide and seek skills have improved so much now, I have learned to pick really good spots in cupboards and in the back of wardrobes; places where I can pile loads of clothes on top of myself and snuggle in to them safely until I’m made to move. They will always find me though because no matter how much I want to disappear, I know I have to come out of hiding at some point. But it’s just so warm and safe here.
